This year on 4th June at almost 14 weeks pregnant, we found out that our little bub had stopped developing a few weeks ago. There was no heartbeat.
What was supposed to be a day that we were really excited about, turned into one of the hardest days of our life. The doctors advised us that we have to abort the pregnancy since it hadn’t happened naturally.
I don’t know at what point I became a mother. Was it when we first found out that we were pregnant, or was it two weeks after or was it when the morning sickness hit or when I first started talking to the baby? Because I was one, even though we didn’t see our baby or held it or even felt it. But the feeling of loss, of losing something that I couldn’t see or touch or talk to was so profound that I was completely unprepared for what hit me.
Everyone tells you to be careful, to take it easy, to take care of yourself but nothing prepares you for when things go wrong. Nothing prepares you for how to handle yourself, to understand your feeling or bear the hurt and pain.
My first thoughts were if I had done something wrong. I questioned everything we did, every time I forgot to take my multi vitamins, every time I ate something I shouldn’t, and wondered if there were signs that I couldn’t see. How could I not know when I was supposed to be the protector? But I didn’t.
And so many women don’t. In the last two weeks, I have heard numerous stories of women who’ve gone through similar experiences. Who’ve lost. And wept. And survived. Because a miscarriage is more common than you would think. But every single time it happens, the loss is real. The struggle is real. The pain is real. The questions keep coming.
It’s common for people to tell you to try and not think about it, that it’s okay, and that it’ll pass. Some even go as far as to call it a ‘missed period’. But it’s not. For me the simplest explanation came from my mother in law – ‘It’s nature’s way of taking care of things’. Maybe there’s a medical explanation for what happened to me, but no doctor was able to give us an answer. Sometimes there isn’t one.
But as a mother who lost what was closest to her, it took me a while to understand that. Going from ‘it’s my fault’ to ‘I want to be positive and survive this’ took me time. I have a husband who let me grieve and held me through the tears and a family who understood and took care of me while I tried to heal. It’s still a process and it’s going to take me some more time. But I will survive.
I wanted to write this down and share it with every mother who has had a miscarriage. It might seem like you are alone, and you are the only one, but you aren’t. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Remember, this is nature’s way of taking care of things. Our bodies are wonderful and mysterious, but they are stronger than we think. We can heal. Just give yourself a chance.
I will be back with recipes and food from tomorrow, but if you've read this far, thank you for staying with me and letting me share my story. If you know someone who has been through this, I hope you'll pass this along, and I hope you'll ask them if they are okay, and tell them that its not their fault.
I was not at all expecting this! I am so sorry for your loss. I was looking online for recipes and came across this post of yours.
I am a mother of a stillborn. We lost her when I was 29weeks! No red flags or any issues throughout 29 weeks. I went in coz I noticed fewer fetal moments and we were told she was gone just like that! It took and it is still taking time to process the whole thing... Some days are ok and some days are so so hard..
"Our bodies are wonderful and mysterious, but they are stronger than we think" I resonate with this so much.. I am waiting for my daughter to come back this time more stronger.. cant wait!
Thank you for sharing.. much love to you and your family..
Hey Appu, I'm so sorry I'm replying this to this so late. And I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what that must have felt like, but our bodies work in mysterious ways and I always believe that the higher power had a reason. I hope your rainbow baby comes soon. They are wondrous!
I do understand how it feels when u lose ur tiny lill one even though you haven't held or seen. But I had both the experiences and yes it did take some time for me to come out of the bitter truth of life and accepted the fact that nothing can be changed rather just move on. Now I am mother of a cute lill 3 year baby.
Thank you so much for sharing Aparna. I have a two year old myself now. Life has its ways!
Dimple Francis says
Really sad to hear this but you have expressed it beautifully. I really don't know why it happens but in all those painful moments, my bond with the Lord was the closest.
Thank you Dimple
Hi richa.. i had messaged you ysterday but not sure why it doesnt appear.. i read through this post of yours and felt as though i was reliving my own life.. i had 2 abortions done because of missing heart beat. at that time none of the doctors could explain why it happened... My god then blessed me with twin girls who are 23 years now.. i pray to that same God that he should bless you similarly.. your posts are awesome.. keep posting
Hi Vidya, I'm so so sorry about your loss. Losing babies is one of the hardest things to go through. I'm so happy for your daughters. And thank you for leaving me a message
Hi richa.. when i was reading your post of loss and survival i felt i was just reading those pages of my life.. i lost 3 foetuses the way you have lose them with no heartbeat and i can completely relate to how you must have felt at that time.. I hope you are now a mom.. i lose 3 but got back twin girls and i feel i deserve them.. cheers and keep posting.. your recipes are excellent..
James Card says
Soon my wife will give birth and only after reading your post I understood which way she went. Thank you very much for your creativity.
Nandini Aravind says
Came across this as I was browsing through your recipes.
I could totally understand what you must have felt....I was also expecting my second child last June 2018 and after 8 weeks of exictment and joy and knowing that we will be welcoming my second kiddo in March 2019....8 weeks in and the baby had stop developing and infact my uterus had even absorbs it...and I was left with an empty gestational sac. I had to go in for a medically induced miscarriage to speed up the process since I had already started spotting. The next week was the worst....!
The heartache even now...is as painful as it was then. But....I have come to believe now that Nature knows best....and if it felt there was something not going quite right inside us....we are blessed it took up the responsibilty to save us from....what could have been a much more severe case if the pregnancy had continued.
I hope you have found peace with this and I wish you have a baby soon...whenever you feel is the right time. You arent alone.....take care!! Lotsa love.
PS: loveeeee all your recipes...! I follow you on Insta....😀!! Bye...
Thank you for sharing your story with me Nandini. I'm glad we can find strength in each other.
Sandhya Nair says
Went through the exact same thing but found out at 20 weeks at a routine checkup that there was no heartbeat. No explanation. I didn't blame myself, my parents did. My husband was my only support while in laws were mute spectators. It happens I know but it's not easy to get over it. It's been a year now but I get flashbacks of how I had t o actually go through labour to deliver a dead child. There's no getting over it. This is the first time I've written it down or said this. I hope it helps me and you to know that you are not the only one and it's not your fault. A woman's body is a mystery really. I love the explanation "nature's way of taking care of things." That's pretty good. I'm glad you have support structure around you. Take care
Hi Sandhya, I'm sorry Im so late in replying to this. Its very brave of you to share your story, and I can't even imagine what you must have gone through. There are some things in life that we'll never forget, but I've firmly come to believe that time heals all. Or at least, makes it easier. I'm wishing for all the strength in the world for you, and I hope that you will have a little one of yours very soon. Sending you lots of love and once again, thank you for sharing.
Shila Soni says
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. While I'm incredibly sad to hear about what happened, I so appreciate your words and sharing what's true for you. Miscarriage seems like something that most people don't talk about and I appreciate your bravery and honesty about your experience. And I'm sorry again for what happened to you and your family.
Sending you love from Seattle <3
Thank you so much Shila, I really appreciate it.
Lorena Baker says
I am sorry to hear about the loss.But your words are very inspiring and I’m sure they will help many who are hurt and seeking support. I did Went to the doctor immediately and she confirmed the pregnancy. Thanks for the sharing this with lots of helpful information.
Thank you Lorena.