This year on 4th June at almost 14 weeks pregnant, we found out that our little bub had stopped developing a few weeks ago. There was no heartbeat.
What was supposed to be a day that we were really excited about, turned into one of the hardest days of our life. The doctors advised us that we have to abort the pregnancy since it hadn’t happened naturally.
I don’t know at what point I became a mother. Was it when we first found out that we were pregnant, or was it two weeks after or was it when the morning sickness hit or when I first started talking to the baby? Because I was one, even though we didn’t see our baby or held it or even felt it. But the feeling of loss, of losing something that I couldn’t see or touch or talk to was so profound that I was completely unprepared for what hit me.
Everyone tells you to be careful, to take it easy, to take care of yourself but nothing prepares you for when things go wrong. Nothing prepares you for how to handle yourself, to understand your feeling or bear the hurt and pain.
My first thoughts were if I had done something wrong. I questioned everything we did, every time I forgot to take my multi vitamins, every time I ate something I shouldn’t, and wondered if there were signs that I couldn’t see. How could I not know when I was supposed to be the protector? But I didn’t.
And so many women don’t. In the last two weeks, I have heard numerous stories of women who’ve gone through similar experiences. Who’ve lost. And wept. And survived. Because a miscarriage is more common than you would think. But every single time it happens, the loss is real. The struggle is real. The pain is real. The questions keep coming.
It’s common for people to tell you to try and not think about it, that it’s okay, and that it’ll pass. Some even go as far as to call it a ‘missed period’. But it’s not. For me the simplest explanation came from my mother in law – ‘It’s nature’s way of taking care of things’. Maybe there’s a medical explanation for what happened to me, but no doctor was able to give us an answer. Sometimes there isn’t one.
But as a mother who lost what was closest to her, it took me a while to understand that. Going from ‘it’s my fault’ to ‘I want to be positive and survive this’ took me time. I have a husband who let me grieve and held me through the tears and a family who understood and took care of me while I tried to heal. It’s still a process and it’s going to take me some more time. But I will survive.
I wanted to write this down and share it with every mother who has had a miscarriage. It might seem like you are alone, and you are the only one, but you aren’t. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Remember, this is nature’s way of taking care of things. Our bodies are wonderful and mysterious, but they are stronger than we think. We can heal. Just give yourself a chance.
I will be back with recipes and food from tomorrow, but if you've read this far, thank you for staying with me and letting me share my story. If you know someone who has been through this, I hope you'll pass this along, and I hope you'll ask them if they are okay, and tell them that its not their fault.