Loss and Survival
on Jun 19, 2018, Updated Oct 12, 2021
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This year on 4th June at almost 14 weeks pregnant, we found out that our little bub had stopped developing a few weeks ago. There was no heartbeat.
What was supposed to be a day that we were really excited about, turned into one of the hardest days of our life. The doctors advised us that we have to abort the pregnancy since it hadn’t happened naturally.
I don’t know at what point I became a mother. Was it when we first found out that we were pregnant, or was it two weeks after or was it when the morning sickness hit or when I first started talking to the baby? Because I was one, even though we didn’t see our baby or held it or even felt it. But the feeling of loss, of losing something that I couldn’t see or touch or talk to was so profound that I was completely unprepared for what hit me.
Everyone tells you to be careful, to take it easy, to take care of yourself but nothing prepares you for when things go wrong. Nothing prepares you for how to handle yourself, to understand your feeling or bear the hurt and pain.
My first thoughts were if I had done something wrong. I questioned everything we did, every time I forgot to take my multi vitamins, every time I ate something I shouldn’t, and wondered if there were signs that I couldn’t see. How could I not know when I was supposed to be the protector? But I didn’t.
And so many women don’t. In the last two weeks, I have heard numerous stories of women who’ve gone through similar experiences. Who’ve lost. And wept. And survived. Because a miscarriage is more common than you would think. But every single time it happens, the loss is real. The struggle is real. The pain is real. The questions keep coming.
It’s common for people to tell you to try and not think about it, that it’s okay, and that it’ll pass. Some even go as far as to call it a ‘missed period’. But it’s not. For me the simplest explanation came from my mother in law – ‘It’s nature’s way of taking care of things’. Maybe there’s a medical explanation for what happened to me, but no doctor was able to give us an answer. Sometimes there isn’t one.
But as a mother who lost what was closest to her, it took me a while to understand that. Going from ‘it’s my fault’ to ‘I want to be positive and survive this’ took me time. I have a husband who let me grieve and held me through the tears and a family who understood and took care of me while I tried to heal. It’s still a process and it’s going to take me some more time. But I will survive.
I wanted to write this down and share it with every mother who has had a miscarriage. It might seem like you are alone, and you are the only one, but you aren’t. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Remember, this is nature’s way of taking care of things. Our bodies are wonderful and mysterious, but they are stronger than we think. We can heal. Just give yourself a chance.
I will be back with recipes and food from tomorrow, but if you’ve read this far, thank you for staying with me and letting me share my story. If you know someone who has been through this, I hope you’ll pass this along, and I hope you’ll ask them if they are okay, and tell them that its not their fault.
Soon my wife will give birth and only after reading your post I understood which way she went. Thank you very much for your creativity.
Hi Dear,
Came across this as I was browsing through your recipes.
I could totally understand what you must have felt….I was also expecting my second child last June 2018 and after 8 weeks of exictment and joy and knowing that we will be welcoming my second kiddo in March 2019….8 weeks in and the baby had stop developing and infact my uterus had even absorbs it…and I was left with an empty gestational sac. I had to go in for a medically induced miscarriage to speed up the process since I had already started spotting. The next week was the worst….!
The heartache even now…is as painful as it was then. But….I have come to believe now that Nature knows best….and if it felt there was something not going quite right inside us….we are blessed it took up the responsibilty to save us from….what could have been a much more severe case if the pregnancy had continued.
I hope you have found peace with this and I wish you have a baby soon…whenever you feel is the right time. You arent alone…..take care!! Lotsa love.
PS: loveeeee all your recipes…! I follow you on Insta….😀!! Bye…
Love,
Nandini Aravind
http://www.instagram.com/thepinkpapaya_a_mums_life
Thank you for sharing your story with me Nandini. I’m glad we can find strength in each other.
Went through the exact same thing but found out at 20 weeks at a routine checkup that there was no heartbeat. No explanation. I didn’t blame myself, my parents did. My husband was my only support while in laws were mute spectators. It happens I know but it’s not easy to get over it. It’s been a year now but I get flashbacks of how I had t o actually go through labour to deliver a dead child. There’s no getting over it. This is the first time I’ve written it down or said this. I hope it helps me and you to know that you are not the only one and it’s not your fault. A woman’s body is a mystery really. I love the explanation “nature’s way of taking care of things.” That’s pretty good. I’m glad you have support structure around you. Take care
Hi Sandhya, I’m sorry Im so late in replying to this. Its very brave of you to share your story, and I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through. There are some things in life that we’ll never forget, but I’ve firmly come to believe that time heals all. Or at least, makes it easier. I’m wishing for all the strength in the world for you, and I hope that you will have a little one of yours very soon. Sending you lots of love and once again, thank you for sharing.
I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. While I’m incredibly sad to hear about what happened, I so appreciate your words and sharing what’s true for you. Miscarriage seems like something that most people don’t talk about and I appreciate your bravery and honesty about your experience. And I’m sorry again for what happened to you and your family.
Sending you love from Seattle <3
Thank you so much Shila, I really appreciate it.
I am sorry to hear about the loss.But your words are very inspiring and I’m sure they will help many who are hurt and seeking support. I did Went to the doctor immediately and she confirmed the pregnancy. Thanks for the sharing this with lots of helpful information.
Thank you Lorena.
Dearest Richa and Denver. How brave you are to tell your story. I believe the universe is looking after you both. I pray that you both stay strong, and Richa stay with your blog. I love it, along with many many others. Prayers, hugs and lots of love to you both. Sherie
Thank you so much Sherie. This really means a lot.
Dear Little Bub,
I just read all about you, mommy and daddy. Since you weren’t old enough…. mommy put words to paper for you. How healing to hear about your life. How remarkable to know that without speaking a word, your story helped heal some other family. Not enough time?? absolutely…. but you touched hearts, brought forth smiles and tears…. because of you, Your family, friends and total strangers, embraced living. My sweet one …. thank you for your very tiny life that left gigantic footprints all over our hearts. ❤️
Carla, this is the sweetest little note. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Hey Richa, This comes as a shock. Madhushree and I had to go through the same at some point of time and at a very late stage we had to do an MTP . We have come out through that phase and today by god’s blessings we are proud parents of two. Love and hugs to both of you and am sure you will be back fighting fit. I am just a phone call away so anytime feel like having a chat just call us.
Thank you so much Anindya. I’ve realised how common this is after my miscarriage. So happy that you guys had your rainbow babies 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear that. I also had a miscarriage earlier this year. At an appointment at 10 weeks, I found out the baby had stopped developing a few weeks before. It’s rough but as you said, so common. And I also took comfort in the fact that my body was probably miscarrying for a good reason. I’m currently pregnant again and things seem to be going well, but it’s definitely a different thought process this time around involving a lot more anxiety. I wish you healing during this difficult time.
Thanks you for sharing your story Joanne. Every one of these gives us hope and strength.
Thanks to medical science, sometimes we know of a pregnancy at as early as 3 weeks. I did. Went to the doctor immediately and she confirmed the pregnancy. And you know what follows. Do this, don’t do that, etc, etc. More importantly, the feeling of a life growing inside you completely envelopes you. Even if the doctors say that a baby can’t be called a baby until you see a heartbeat. At 7 weeks, there was no heartbeat. The foetal pole hadn’t developed. There was no reason. They called it a ‘missed miscarriage’. Although medically there never was a baby, but the feeling of loss hit me really really hard. The day I took that tablet was the most difficult day of my life. And considering I could not be with my dying grandpa because I was ‘pregnant’ made it inexplicably worse.
Richa, I don’t know you. But your words resonated with me. We share our joys very easily but sharing a loss is always difficult. I applaud you and the courage it must have taken to write about this. I never could. This happened 3 years ago. I have a 1 year old now. The loss doesn’t hurt like hell now but it does pinch whenever I remember it.
I want to tell you, it will get better. Lean on your loved ones. Time heals everything! Some day, as we move on, it will become a story from the past for you and me. More power to you!
Thank you for being so open about this, and giving me the honour of sharing our stories. I’m so happy you have a rainbow baby now. And I hope these stories helps someone somewhere someday.