Loss and Survival
on Jun 19, 2018, Updated Oct 12, 2021
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This year on 4th June at almost 14 weeks pregnant, we found out that our little bub had stopped developing a few weeks ago. There was no heartbeat.
What was supposed to be a day that we were really excited about, turned into one of the hardest days of our life. The doctors advised us that we have to abort the pregnancy since it hadn’t happened naturally.
I don’t know at what point I became a mother. Was it when we first found out that we were pregnant, or was it two weeks after or was it when the morning sickness hit or when I first started talking to the baby? Because I was one, even though we didn’t see our baby or held it or even felt it. But the feeling of loss, of losing something that I couldn’t see or touch or talk to was so profound that I was completely unprepared for what hit me.
Everyone tells you to be careful, to take it easy, to take care of yourself but nothing prepares you for when things go wrong. Nothing prepares you for how to handle yourself, to understand your feeling or bear the hurt and pain.
My first thoughts were if I had done something wrong. I questioned everything we did, every time I forgot to take my multi vitamins, every time I ate something I shouldn’t, and wondered if there were signs that I couldn’t see. How could I not know when I was supposed to be the protector? But I didn’t.
And so many women don’t. In the last two weeks, I have heard numerous stories of women who’ve gone through similar experiences. Who’ve lost. And wept. And survived. Because a miscarriage is more common than you would think. But every single time it happens, the loss is real. The struggle is real. The pain is real. The questions keep coming.
It’s common for people to tell you to try and not think about it, that it’s okay, and that it’ll pass. Some even go as far as to call it a ‘missed period’. But it’s not. For me the simplest explanation came from my mother in law – ‘It’s nature’s way of taking care of things’. Maybe there’s a medical explanation for what happened to me, but no doctor was able to give us an answer. Sometimes there isn’t one.
But as a mother who lost what was closest to her, it took me a while to understand that. Going from ‘it’s my fault’ to ‘I want to be positive and survive this’ took me time. I have a husband who let me grieve and held me through the tears and a family who understood and took care of me while I tried to heal. It’s still a process and it’s going to take me some more time. But I will survive.
I wanted to write this down and share it with every mother who has had a miscarriage. It might seem like you are alone, and you are the only one, but you aren’t. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Remember, this is nature’s way of taking care of things. Our bodies are wonderful and mysterious, but they are stronger than we think. We can heal. Just give yourself a chance.
I will be back with recipes and food from tomorrow, but if you’ve read this far, thank you for staying with me and letting me share my story. If you know someone who has been through this, I hope you’ll pass this along, and I hope you’ll ask them if they are okay, and tell them that its not their fault.
Hi Richa,
I’ve been always on your blog and follow you for some time now. This post has got my throat choked up.
This is the one feeling that cannot be ever explained or understood by anyone else, apart from the one who faces it. It will stay with you and no number of nights or sleep or anything will drive it away.
Give time time.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. ” – RMR
I tend to agree with your MIL since what happened was probably the best that could be and the body knows best.
Believe that there are many many more children written for you to bear, but this one was special, just as special as you are to share your story with all of us. God bless!
That quote is so thoughtful Fiona. Thanks for leaving this note. Every word means so much.
I am sorry to hear about the loss. This too shall pass dear! You’re a warrior… Take good care of yourself ! Warm hugs and lots of prayers for you and your family at this time.
Thank you Poonam
I’m sorry to hear about your loss.. but your words are very inspiring and I’m sure they will help many who are hurt and seeking support! Love your recipes 🙂
Thank you so much Divita
I am an avid reader of your blog, Richa, and even though in the past I haven’t commented a lot, today I had to.
I hate to say this because this is the most futile advice ever, but stay strong. Nobody who hasn’t been in your shoes will understand your loss. It’s your battle to fight and your battle to win. I’ve had friends and family who have lost their babies, both before and after birth, and they have been able to overcome it. It will not be easy, but give yourself time to get through this, and I’m sure you’ll be able to emerge stronger.
Please take care and don’t ever be harsh on yourself,
Pritha
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment Pritha. Means a lot.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who has suffered from infertility, I understand the particular type of pain that comes from pregnancy loss. I wish you and your husband the best while you are healing <3
Gosh! I’m so sorry Anne. And thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Take as much time to grieve as you need to..it’s hard! Your blog will still be there. I’m giving you a virtual hug. Your two are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much J
I love you. Proud of you.
Sorry for your loss. I hope that sharing the story has helped lessen your sorrow. Here’s wishing you strength to overcome the loss. Look forward to more MFS recipes soon! Take Care.
It has Ashwini. Thank you so much for leaving a note.
Oh Richa, I’m so so sorry to hear this! I wasn’t as far along but I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks and it was so hard for a long time especially since it had taken me over a year to get pregnant that first time. I’m glad that you posted this and are talking about it because I think far too many women think they’re not allowed to talk about it. I know this post will help someone going through a similar situation. I’m here if you need anything at all 🙂
Thanks so much Brita. I remember reading what you wrote a long time ago, and it helped me through this difficult time. I’m so glad I got to know you!
Hello Richa,
I received your email today (6/19/18 or 19/6/18). I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your baby. My condolences, love and prayers go out to you, your husband and family. 🙏🏾❤️🙏🏾
It will take some time for you to get back into the swing-of-things but please don’t rush yourself. Your recipes can wait. Blessing to you on a complete and full recovery. Namaste.
Michele P.
Thank you so much Michele. Your words mean a lot.